Happy Christmas! Since the big day is just 10 days today, I thought I’d share a little Christmas cheer with you all…. I present the Alternative 12 Days of Christmas, originally heard on Radio 2 as read by Terry Wogan, (the bits in italics are my additions!):
On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me
I’m glad we bought fresh turkey and a proper Christmas tree
Don’t forget to buy all your fresh ingredients too, as well as flour and yeast to make your bread for all those breadcrumbs you’ll need
On the second day of Christmas much laughter could be heard,
as we tucked into turkey – a most delicious bird
All that cooking is worth it – have you remembered your home-made bread sauce? What are you having instead of cranberry sauce? Remember all your carefully prepared deserts too, including that delicious carob Yule log that took you seven tries to roll. And steer clear of the Tia Maria, stick with a nice, conservative shot of whisky (single malt, of course!)
On the third day we entertained the people from next door,
and the turkey tasted just as good as the day before
If they aren’t benzoate-intolerant they may not understand why the cinnamon is missing, so be prepared to explain….. and remember, it may be easier to explain ‘allergy’ rather than ‘intolerance’, especially if you plan on finishing that whisky between you….
On the fourth day relations came, poor gran is looking old;
we finished up the Christmas pud and ate the turkey cold
If gran insists on real Christmas pudding or cinnamon-laced mince pies, you may have to get yourself one of those little paper masks that decorators use so you don’t breathe in the demon spice… just remember to remove it when you leave the kitchen or she may wonder why you have painters in over the Christmas holidays…. Regarding the Christmas pud, as long as you gave it the full 2 hour steam on Christmas day it should be okay just bunged in the microwave… just make sure you microwave your pud and not the mask (may be best to lay off the brandy til after you’ve cooked)…
On the fifth day of Christmas outside the snow flakes flurried.
But we were nice and warm inside – we ate the turkey curried
As if there weren’t enough difficult things to prepare from scratch over Christmas, you want to stretch to a flippin curry? Okay, start with your spices…. out of fresh ginger? Go on, slip a bit of that crystalised stuff in…. it’s that cold outside people aren’t going to care as long as you are generous with the chilli powder (or black pepper if you can’t tolerate it)… go on, one more teaspoonful won’t hurt. Put your glasses on, I said teaspoon, not tablespoon….. oh well. Make sure you serve it with iced water. Or milk. Or both. Make it both.
On the sixth day I must admit the Christmas spirit died
The children fought and bickered, we ate turkey rissoles fried
Rissoles – what have you got in them? If you’re using breadcrumbs, make sure they are soya-free. Otherwise pastry might be safer on a benzoate-free diet. And if you fry them for long enough they turn into wonderfully hard missiles perfect for throwing at things… or doors…or people….
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave a wince,
when he sat down at table and was offered turkey mince
Mince? You can’t go wrong with mince. As long as you mean savoury mince and not a weird concoction of almost gone-off turkey and the innards of those stale mince pies. Just… no. Not even if the mince pies were the safe variety. There’s plenty of beer left, that has enough calories in to make up for any mince-related disasters….
By the eighth day the cat left home and the dog had run for shelter
I served up turkey pancakes with a glass of Alka Seltzer
Not Alka Seltzer! It has asprin in it! If you mistakenly took a sip, get yourself plenty of cold water to drink and a hot water bottle to hold over your tummy, then make yourself a nice comfortable seat in the bathroom. If anyone complains, send them to look for the cat.
On the ninth day of Christmas by lunch time dad was blotto
He said he had to have a drink to face turkey risotto
Ah, risotto is easy! Rice, turkey, some paprika, some salt & pepper, a few herbs, those left over sprouts (chopped up so the kids can’t pick them out), and an onion. Fry until hot. Serve with a bottle of wine (per person).
By the tenth day the booze had gone except our home-made brew
As if that was bad enough, we suffered turkey stew
How on earth have you had chance to make home brew as well as all your benzoate-free goodies? If you have any time-saving tips please tell me! Hang on, what did you make it with? Raspberries and strawberries? Yes, I know you can’t eat the fruit out of your garden now but that didn’t mean you can just…. Oh I give up, pass me a glass.
By the eleventh day of Christmas, the Christmas tree was molting;
the mince pies were hard as rocks, And the turkey was revolting
As long as the mince pies followed my benzoate-free recipe then at least the rocks will be safe ones…. Unless you throw them at the window. Emergency glazier, anyone?
On the twelfth day of Christmas Dad loudly smacked his lips.
The tree had gone, the turkey too – We dined on fish and chips
Make sure it’s not cod! Oh, stuff it, anything would be better than turkey today!
Happy Christmas to all my readers. Make sure it’s a good one!